I'm not sure why I haven't felt like writing. It helps me when I feel alone on Monday nights while the hubs is at work. It's especially hard when one of us worked the weekend before as well because that's more time apart or alone. I think having the option to write has been helping me deal with the alone time better and I don't need to write every Monday. So I will just write when I need to versus every single week.
Well, today is obviously not Monday.
I feel like I need to write. And I'm sure you know what it's about, right? Yes, the shooting in CT.
I've always been affected by situations like this, and it bothers me for quite some time. I wonder how the families are doing, how the people felt when they were being killed, how they are doing later in life, etc, etc. I empathize very well (maybe too well?) and am pretty compassionate person. That's probably why I am a therapist.
It feels different these days. especially since having my daughter. It impacts me in a different way. I think about what it would be like if this happened to me, how I would cope (or not cope), how Alexa's last minutes of her life would have been like had she been one of those kids who lost their lives during this tragedy, how I would feel knowing that I couldn't protect her. It literally BREAKS my heart in half. I can FEEL it within my body. My heart races, my breathing quickens, tears dwell in my eyes. The feelings overwhelm me to a point that is so unexpected. Yes, I've always been able to empathize but this just feels more intense. It rocks me to my core. I never realized that having a kid would make these situations more REAL but it does.
I cannot imagine losing Alexa in this way (or any way but this is definitely very traumatic). I just can't even THINK about anything like this happening to her. It's made me wonder if homeschooling would keep her safe. I know I can't keep her in a bubble and I also know I want her to have the experiences that school can offer her. I know that's this type of thing happens everywhere. Malls, movies, outside, the park, etc. But school is supposed to be a safe place to send your kids. I feel this innate need to protect her and I would do anything to make sure she's safe. I just don't know how to do that in this crazy world we live in. Even as a therapist, I find myself shocked and dismayed by all these awful things that have happened lately. This is the worst so far. Innocent little children lost their lives. They will never get to experience all the wonderful things that should have been in their future. It's just so very sad.
Yes, I know what some will say...
"God has a plan." (A plan that involves innocent children being murdered?)
"God lifted them up during the tragedy and gave them their angel wings." (I sure hope so, that's the least those kids deserve after the horror they went through and witnessed.)
"God will help those who lost loved ones find their way." (I'm sure they will need it.)
Well, all I can say is that doesn't change that this was an awful, unnecessary, frightening event has stolen lives and will scar the surviving children and adults for the rest of their lives. I only hope that those involved will get the counseling they need. Speaking of God, I pray for the children and there families. I do believe in god but I'm not super religious. I have faith that prayer and positive thoughts can go along way in helping being grieve and cope with trauma. That's really all I can do in a situation like this so that's why I pray. I can't change what happened or wipe those poor babies' memories of what happened today. It breaks my heart that nothing can change what happened. An event like this changes us all forever.
So anyway, those are my thoughts. I don't really want to discuss gun laws, or the whys and hows. Because really, it doesn't matter. What the gunman did, the lives he stole, the havoc he has brought to all those families, is unexplainable and we may never truly understand. I don't think we ever really understand why these things happen. There's no way to comprehend... no matter how many facts or stories we get about the murderer's history or problems.
We may stop talking about this tragedy soon enough, just like the other shootings in the past (recent or otherwise). I don't think we can ever forget. I know I hugged my sweet girl a little tighter and kissed her a little more today and I will continue to do so every single day that I can. I will remember that our lives are precious, and that you never know when our last days are here on this earth.
Like a friend of mine said this afternoon: don't wait until something like this happens to cherish the time you have together with our babies, family, and friends. I appreciate those words.
