So, what am I talking about? I know you're wondering - that's why you're still reading this entry.
I'm talking about my miscarriage.
Yes, I have had a miscarriage. Well, I am actually going through this miscarriage right now, today and tomorrow... No, it's not happening this very second but I am waiting. Waiting for my body to reject the baby that was growing inside of me but is no longer living. Waiting for the D&C that I have scheduled for tomorrow afternoon if my body does not do what it's supposed to do after something like this happens. This is a very hard thing for me to think about... removing a baby who I'd already grown attached to, who I'd already loved, who I'd already envisioned in my family come January 2015, who had already joined me on at least one half marathon in it's short little life (or two half marathons if you count the one I completed after baby had stopped growing but was still along for the ride). I found out today that although my body thought I was 11 weeks pregnant, my baby had not lived past 8 weeks and thus obviously did not have a heartbeat. It just does not seem real to me. It has to be a lie, right? I feel betrayed by my body, like it tricked me into thinking all was well when it was quite the opposite. It tricked me so effectively that we had already shot family photos a couple weekends ago and, with these photos, we had created our adorable new baby announcement that we would use to make the pregnancy "Facebook official" so that I did not have to hide being pregnant anymore. And now instead of that announcement, I have this blog entry... except I am announcing something entirely different. I cried most of the way home from the doctor's office, I cried on and off throughout the rest of the day... I'm crying now. The tears just keep coming.
At this point, I wish I would have just announced the pregnancy in the very beginning so that others could be excited with me. I could have shared my joys with many people instead of just the select few who were informed about the pregnancy for one reason or another. Now those who I care about only get to experience the negative, the sadness, the wonder about why these things happen, the hurt. I'm sorry this is all I get to share with you all because we really were extremely excited about this pregnancy. We talked about it to each other all the time, we had plans for this baby, we finally felt ready to add to our little family. I should have shared that excitement with everyone in my life.
We don't hide other conditions from people, such as heart disease or diabetes, and we certainly don't hide the surgeries or procedures that are sometimes required to make people whole again when things go wrong. When my uncle was diagnosed with bone cancer, I told everyone because it hurt me to think about him suffering. When he died, I shared that information too, even dedicating a few posts on Facebook to him and what he meant to me. Why are pregnancy and miscarriages so different? Why do we hide our pregnancies in fear that we will have to share bad news when we will need support if bad news does come into our lives? Isn't that sometimes a part of life and don't we want people there with us along the way for the ups AND the downs? I know some feel it's better to keep this to themselves for the sake of others. I get that they don't want to tell someone such good news only to let them down, to cause sadness in their hearts. I understand we want to protect our loved ones from pain, and ourselves from the painful questions people ask afterward. I'm fine with others keeping their pregnancies and miscarriages a secret if that's what helps THEM. It doesn't help me. Right now *I* am experiencing pain. I am hurting. My heart is broken into more pieces than I could ever even attempt to count. And most people have NO IDEA that it is happening. I'm supposed to function at work (and I know my boss would give me time off because she is AWESOME and understanding but eventually I still have to function, right?) without anyone knowing the painful event in my life. I'm supposed to maintain friendships but how do I do that if they don't know I'm struggling? Doesn't my pain matter? I'm asking myself now - why am I protecting the feelings of others so that I can suffer alone? I don't want to suffer alone. So the next time I am pregnant, you'd better believe I will tell everyone as soon as I feel comfortable to do so. I definitely will not wait until the second trimester. "But what if something happens," you ask? Then I will tell everyone that too. So that I'm not telling people I'm pregnant in the same breath as "I had a miscarriage."
It's tough right now, and I will need a lot of time to heal... but I know in my heart I will be OK. Lots of woman have gone through this before, have come out on top. I will eventually have another child that I know will complete my family. This baby is now a little angel somewhere looking over us, maybe even having breakfast with Uncle Marv for all I know (if that's the way it even works). For now I must just believe. Believe that I am doing the right thing by telling everyone what I am going through right now... that this will get easier... that my heart will mend... that someday I will get my rainbow baby.
In the meantime, please keep me and my family in your prayers, positive thoughts, or whichever way you role. I'm going to need some of that strength.
