But now I have a moment.
A moment to think about that day... that day that was now 2 years and 6 days ago... the day something happened that I never really understood beforehand (even though I truly thought I did!). Something that ripped my heart into a million pieces, and made me feel confused and lost and saddened in a way that I cannot even begin to explain.
A moment to remember.
A moment to mourn.
A moment to just be with myself and really take notice of my experience right now.
It's been 736 days since I lost you. Well, technically it's been more than that... but 736 days have passed since I became aware you were gone. It feels like yesterday that the words "I'm not finding a heartbeat" were cautiously uttered in my direction from a sweet nurse who clearly did not want to be the one delivering the news to me. Just moments before everyone had reassured me, "I'm sure the baby is just fine." But you weren't fine. You hadn't been fine for at least a couple weeks and somehow I did not know. I never got to meet you. I never got to feel you move inside of me. I never got to see what you would have looked like, or kiss your 10 toes, or hear you laugh. You never got to drive me crazy with constant crying or keep me up all night. You never got to live outside in the world. I will forever wonder who you would have been and what you would have been like in my life. For that, I am sad and will forever mourn losing you.
Since I have a moment, I wanted to update you on my life. In November 2014, I got pregnant with my rainbow baby. Such an "easy" pregnancy overall but my heart was so sooooo anxious. So scared that I would lose that baby too. What would I do if I lost another baby? How would I cope? I struggled with this deep yearning to meet my lost angel baby while trying to experience genuine excitement for my long awaited rainbow. It was tough to want both of you while knowing that not only could I just have one but also to realize that without losing the first, the other would not exist at all. My heart was so torn. Then my sweet rainbow baby was born. I knew immediately that you, my angel baby, played a role in this. You knew that I was supposed to have my rainbow baby in my Earthly life. He would struggle with what seemed like everything those first 6-8 months, and he needed me as his mommy. More than that though - I needed him in my life. I'm not going to lie, our struggles were freakin' hard. It has been such a crazy rollercoaster, and I'm glad things have calmed down a bit. I sometimes found myself wondering if you would have been as challenging, and I felt guilty for that. I know something now, though, that I didn't know then. I don't even know if I really understood it before this very moment as I type this. I believe deep in my heart that you sent this baby to me. You couldn't be here so you hand-picked him for me and I just wanted to say thank you.
Even so, I still miss you everyday. I still can't believe that over 2 years have passed. 2 years! To me, it just seems so wrong because, as I said, it seems like yesterday. And it's odd because the pain is still there, sometimes hiding in my heart and sometimes so raw that it literally feels like it just happened. I remember so clearly how I felt after learning the news and how in disbelief I was right after the D&C. I still wish that I had somewhere to visit you, to honor you, to talk to you. So instead, I try to remember that you are always with me.
