Cherish the time we have

It's been a couple weeks since I last blogged.

I'm not sure why I haven't felt like writing. It helps me when I feel alone on Monday nights while the hubs is at work. It's especially hard when one of us worked the weekend before as well because that's more time apart or alone. I think having the option to write has been helping me deal with the alone time better and I don't need to write every Monday. So I will just write when I need to versus every single week.

Well, today is obviously not Monday.

I feel like I need to write. And I'm sure you know what it's about, right? Yes, the shooting in CT.

I've always been affected by situations like this, and it bothers me for quite some time. I wonder how the families are doing, how the people felt when they were being killed, how they are doing later in life, etc, etc. I empathize very well (maybe too well?) and am pretty compassionate person. That's probably why I am a therapist.

It feels different these days. especially since having my daughter. It impacts me in a different way. I think about what it would be like if this happened to me, how I would cope (or not cope), how Alexa's last minutes of her life would have been like had she been one of those kids who lost their lives during this tragedy, how I would feel knowing that I couldn't protect her. It literally BREAKS my heart in half. I can FEEL it within my body. My heart races, my breathing quickens, tears dwell in my eyes. The feelings overwhelm me to a point that is so unexpected. Yes, I've always been able to empathize but this just feels more intense. It rocks me to my core. I never realized that having a kid would make these situations more REAL but it does.

I cannot imagine losing Alexa in this way (or any way but this is definitely very traumatic). I just can't even THINK about anything like this happening to her. It's made me wonder if homeschooling would keep her safe. I know I can't keep her in a bubble and I also know I want her to have the experiences that school can offer her. I know that's this type of thing happens everywhere. Malls, movies, outside, the park, etc. But school is supposed to be a safe place to send your kids. I feel this innate need to protect her and I would do anything to make sure she's safe. I just don't know how to do that in this crazy world we live in. Even as a therapist, I find myself shocked and dismayed by all these awful things that have happened lately. This is the worst so far. Innocent little children lost their lives. They will never get to experience all the wonderful things that should have been in their future. It's just so very sad.

Yes, I know what some will say...

"God has a plan." (A plan that involves innocent children being murdered?)

"God lifted them up during the tragedy and gave them their angel wings." (I sure hope so, that's the least those kids deserve after the horror they went through and witnessed.)

"God will help those who lost loved ones find their way." (I'm sure they will need it.)

Well, all I can say is that doesn't change that this was an awful, unnecessary, frightening event has stolen lives and will scar the surviving children and adults for the rest of their lives. I only hope that those involved will get the counseling they need. Speaking of God, I pray for the children and there families. I do believe in god but I'm not super religious. I have faith that prayer and positive thoughts can go along way in helping being grieve and cope with trauma. That's really all I can do in a situation like this so that's why I pray. I can't change what happened or wipe those poor babies' memories of what happened today. It breaks my heart that nothing can change what happened. An event like this changes us all forever.

So anyway, those are my thoughts. I don't really want to discuss gun laws, or the whys and hows. Because really, it doesn't matter. What the gunman did, the lives he stole, the havoc he has brought to all those families, is unexplainable and we may never truly understand. I don't think we ever really understand why these things happen. There's no way to comprehend... no matter how many facts or stories we get about the murderer's history or problems.

We may stop talking about this tragedy soon enough, just like the other shootings in the past (recent or otherwise). I don't think we can ever forget. I know I hugged my sweet girl a little tighter and kissed her a little more today and I will continue to do so every single day that I can. I will remember that our lives are precious, and that you never know when our last days are here on this earth.

Like a friend of mine said this afternoon: don't wait until something like this happens to cherish the time you have together with our babies, family, and friends. I appreciate those words.

Committing to Fitness

It's been a couple weeks since I wrote. I couldn't blog last week because I had to spend my Monday night getting ready for holiday visitors. I had a topic all ready to go in my mind that night but I just didn't have time. And I didn't write down my ideas so, well, I forgot about it. Completely. I have to admit, I'm a little mad at myself. 

So, I guess I'll just write and see where the whim takes me.

I haven't worked out as much the last couple weeks. It sucks. It really does. I know, you're probably thinking I need the break but really, honestly, truly... I am happier when I make time to workout (yes, you read that, remember my second blog post - I do not find time, I do not just have time, I physically have to MAKE time to workout). I am happier, more energized (albeit sometimes still yawning and needing an extra nap here and there), and just plain more SANE. I'm less sane, more irritable, more exhausted, less satisfied with myself when I am not physically active.

I think I've already shared that in this blog, and if not, there ya go.

For that reason, I've been a little grumpy over the last 2 weeks.

Yes, I've worked out. Probably more than some do. I ran twice last week (I normally run 3-4 times) and did some strength training. I meant to do more but the in-laws were here and it's hard to get away to workout when we're running around trying to get stuff done for a holiday dinner. (Okay, I'll admit, I wasn't doing any of the cooking... or preparing... but I couldn't leave little girly with grandma and grandpa while I went for a workout if they were busy doing other stuff.) It's weird that having someone over and being home for the holiday would throw me off so much. But it did, and I'm still recovering.

In my old, pre-fitness life, this would have been the week that caused me to stop working out altogether. I would have thrown in the towel. Gave up. Decided it wasn't worth it because I "ruined" one week of my fitness plan. Honestly, it was just a cop-out. A way to give up without feeling too guilty, a way to "realize" that I wasn't cut out for this lifestyle, a way to return to the "easier" life that did not include trying to eat healthy and stay active.

I still can't believe that was me. I can't imagine life without fitness, let alone just dropping it like it's old news the second things get hard. I've changed for the better when it comes to that area of my life (still working on improving some other areas, as always!), and for that I am thankful. Sometimes I think people think that it's just genetics. Or that I'm just lucky that I can maintain my fitness and try to eat healthy. They think I'm just in shape because I've always been that way.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's just NOT true. I have never been overweight but I have been unhealthy. Before I started exercising, I had a higher-than-healthy body fat percentage and my pulse was always super high. I never used to be able to run around the block let alone a 5K and especially not a 26.2 mile foot race (November 2010, just over 5 hour finish time). I could never lift weights, or do a workout video without feeling like I was dying. And to top it all off, I hated EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of my workouts. I flat out despised working out. It just did not appeal to me one bit. I ended up getting a trainer in graduate school and that helped me (a) get past the first few weeks when I would normally quit and (b) helped me learn to enjoy it. I don't love every minute of my workouts now, not even my running which I am addicted to (in a good way?), but I do gain enjoyment from it. Sometimes I enjoy the intensity of the workout, other times I look forward to the afterglow that is experienced once you are done.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that being healthy and fit (notice I never say skinny or thin) is possible but it takes work. Just because someone is in shape NOW does not mean they have always been that way, or that they're the lucky ones who can be fit. People of all shapes and sizes find ways to become healthier. Each person has their own type of workout that works the best for them, that they can commit to doing regularly while still keeping things balanced (making sure to have strength training and cardio whenever possible). Each person has their own way of getting into a rhythm, of staying focused on their goals. They say it takes 21 days to break or form a habit. I think with health and fitness it's a little longer. First you have to break OLD habits (21 days), and then create NEW habits (21 more days) so I'd give it at least a month, if not two, before deciding if it's worth it. 

Everyone deserves to be healthy. I think kids, especially, deserve healthy parents because they are more likely to take after their parents than anyone else in their lives. It's important that we role-model healthy behaviors and actions for our families. We can role-model the same things for our friends, our own parents, our siblings, etc. We can be the positive change for someone else.

A 10K Race in the Park

Despite having to work during apparently the last couple of nice days before winter steals the warmth and sun away from us, I had a pretty decent weekend.

I had Friday off and we spent the evening with friends who we don't get to see very often. We played a game called "Cards Against Humanity," kind of like a not-so-clean-or-friendly version of "Apples to Apples." I admit, I'm not the best at playing the funniest card as it indicates in the instructions because some of the cards are pretty twisted. The counselor in me wants to play funny haha and avoid funny twisted. It's hard to explain unless you know the game. We had a lot of fun and enjoyed good food and drinks.

The next morning I ran my first race in a couple months.

 

My last was my half marathon on Labor Day weekend so I was excited and had a little trouble sleeping, waking up a couple times during the night only to check my phone and realize it was still the middle of the night. Thankfully I didn't have much trouble going back to sleep each time.

Pre-baby, I would have made (I mean, requested?) my husband come with me to the race for moral support before and to see me cross the finish. But ever since we've become parents, I haven't wanted to have to wake her up early, get her ready, and have him try to keep her occupied while I ran. It just doesn't seem worth it beforehand. But, like every other race post-baby, I got down to the race site and realized I wished I weren't alone. I would like to have his support but I hate to our little munchkin there. This race was at a park though so I wondered if maybe it would have worked out. I thought it would be colder since it had been pretty cold in the mornings for the last couple weeks. So, anyway, I'm standing there after getting my bib and race t-shirt (which I placed in my car because I'm not a believer in wearing the race t-shirt before I've actually run the race), wishing that hubby and sweet girl were there with me. Oh well, I thought to myself, can't change that now.

I went to the starting area and put myself in the middle of the runners. In a race, even a small one like this, you don't want to be in the front if you KNOW you are not one of the super fast runners. You don't want to get trampled nor do you want to be in their way. They are looking to win. As much as I would *love* to win or even come close, that's not my realistic goal so I go where I belong. I was actually probably in the second fourth of runners, not really the middle, because I figure should still be as close to the front as I can. Might as well get this show on the road (pun intended). I look to my wrist and realize that I had forgotten my garmin watch. Ugh! What the heck? I have never forgotten my watch before. *Sigh* I download the Nike+ app on my phone and get it set up so I can at least have an idea of my pace and distance. It helps me to know so that I can keep a steady pace, not push too hard or not enough, especially during the first mile or so when I tend to think I'm superman (er, woman) and can run way faster than I would be able to maintain for 6.2 miles.

Just as I was ready to go with my app all set up and my music playing, the announcers starts counting down. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... and we were off :). The beginning is always so interesting. You never know how it will go. But, I did know this - I know that I would finish because I can run this distance without much practice as long as I run regularly. I wasn't sure if I would PR. In fact, I figured I wouldn't. I haven't PR'd yet post-baby so I wasn't getting my hopes up for this race. As long as I ran strong, gave it my best, and finished with a smile on my face, I would be accomplishing my goals. I'm not going to lie though - a PR would have been icing on the cake.

The race itself went pretty well. I ran a little faster than intended during the first couple miles, as I often do. It's almost like it's how my legs and heart warm-up. I can't seem to do it in a slower warm-up like manner. I started to have an ache in my side during mile 3 so I slowed down a bit during miles 3 and 4. I then pushed it again during the last 2 miles and really sprinted to the finish line after that. I've done this race a couple other times, once pre-pregnancy (the 10K on 11/14/09 - my PR of 55:57, 9:00 average pace) and then again at 12 weeks postpartum, my first post-baby race (the 5K on 11/12/11, 27:51, 8:59 average pace). It goes around the park, and then through the park's trail which is very pretty and tree-filled, and it's pretty well organized, smaller, low-key race. I have enjoyed it every time. I'm glad that I have been able to continue racing, albeit less frequently and less 'whenever I want' and more 'whenever it fits our schedule,' but it's worth it to keep going, to keep pushing myself, to keep focusing on things that make me feel like myself. I am a wife and mom but I need to make sure I have a little piece of my pre-baby self. Races are part of that and I'm happy that I am able to fit them into my schedule. One day I hope Alexa will be there cheering me on at the start and finish lines, and maybe she'll even run some races with me :).

So, did I get a PR for this race?

Nope! I did, however, finish in under an hour - 58:54 was my official finishing time. That's an average pace of 9:30 per mile. 3 minutes slower than my PR. I am okay with my time, but at the same time, I'm starting to wonder if I will ever PR again. When do I stop counting my pre-pregnancy times as my person records if I can never beat than post-partum? I do feel faster, I run faster during my "easy" runs (the effort is the same as before), I really do believe I physically am capable of PR'ing... but I'm still just tired. I'm not sure my body has the energy right now to push enough to actually PR. I have more energy than I did when my daughter was not sleeping but I can only get so much sleep. It's hard to get enough sleep (I know, same problem for most moms). So I just ask myself - when do I start just considering these new PRs and stop focusing on what I did before? Or do I just wait and eventually the personal records will come again? I don't know but I do know what cool thing. My time was also 11 seconds FASTER than my second fastest 10K time (3/6/10, pre-pregnancy). I guess I will take that for now. I tried my best, pushed myself as hard as I could, and finished the race with a smile on my face. Hey, wait, weren't those my original goals?

NOTE - Official placements: 95 out of 159 overall (59.7%), 10 out of 14 in my age group (71.4%), and 39 out of 84 females (46.4%). My placement among all females was pretty good, my age group placement sucked, and my overall placement was pretty average.

My legs were a little sore the next day. It was proof to me that I did the best I could. I spent the rest of Sunday morning hanging out with my sweet girly and my husband, and then went to work from 2 until midnight. I try to appreciate every moment we all have together and it makes going to work so much easier (although it's never what I would call 'easy' in any way).

Harder Than it Looks

I'm sitting here eating pizza, drinking a glass of wine, and watching my sweet little girl fall asleep on the video monitor. I can see her wiggling her fingers playing with her paci plushy stuffed animal and I can't help but smile.

I love being a mom. More than I ever imagined possible. I love all the amazing things that I get to teach my daughter. I love all the new things she teaches herself without me even realizing she was studying that skill. I love that she loves life so much. I love that huge smile she gets on her face at least 1,000 times a day. I even love the little fits she throws sometimes because it shows me she is human and she is growing psychologically as well as physically. I love that she gets excited when our dog is near her and that she tries to pet him now. I love that she copies us when we do the "shhh!" sound and has started making the kissing noise with her lips. I love that she blows spit bubbles with her mouth. I love that she could look at books and flash cards all day long like it's the best thing in the world. I love that she enjoys music and dances whiles sitting, crawling, or standing as soon as the music starts playing.

I love her so much. I love my husband MORE than I ever have before because of how much he loves her and how he shows us both that he loves her.

But being a mom is a tough job.

It's not anywhere near as "easy" as it looks from the outside (I can't believe I thought it was easy. Even for a moment). It's funny because until I had a baby, I didn't see how stressed, how busy, how tired other mothers are every single day. Yes, they are happy and I'm sure most of them would not change a thing (we all know there are exceptions but I prefer not to think about that), but being a mommy is the most challenging job ever. Period. As a childless person, I couldn't really see these challenges. I knew new parents are tired and stretched pretty thing, but really, in all honesty, I could only allow myself to see the good - those amazingly awesome things that I mentioned above, and more. I think that's because these are the things what makes being a mommy worth it. It's worth it to know that you are being the best mom that you can be and you are doing it for someone you love so deeply that the love is difficult, impossible, to describe. You keep doing this no matter how hard it gets. I know it's not as hard for some, and harder for others, but I get it now. I really do. Part of me feels sorry for judging those mommy friends that I have (because I have judged them, even if I was unwilling to admit it at the time), wondering why they couldn't keep their houses cleaner, or why they canceled lunch dates on me, or why I never got to talk to them. I didn't get it then. I thought I was less important to them than a friend should be, but in all actuality, their kids were just (and will always be) their utmost priority. It's not easy to balance life, friendships, work, the housework, etc, when you have children. I do feel bad for judging their situations (I really am sorry even if I never shared my thoughts!) but I also give myself a break - I hadn't been there yet. I didn't know what it was like and I had no way of really understanding. All I could see was what they showed me from the outside and it wasn't the whole picture. Most moms, parents in general, don't show the whole picture because they don't believe people want to see the real truth of it all. Their friends, family, neighbors, really just want to see the positives, how much they love their kids, how awesome it is to be a parent, how happy they are all the time... right? I don't think it's an accurate perception that others only want to see the good aspects, but as parents we expect the best out of ourselves. We are our worst critics and we don't want others to see what it's really like on the inside of parenthood. We often feel that we are "bad" people if we don't enjoy every single moment of being parents. It's okay not to enjoy every moment. It really is, and I think more of us need to appreciate that.

Like I said, I love being a mom. I've learned that I love being a mom more than I ever realized I could. I love this little person more than my own life and I would do anything for her. I'm also willing to admit that it's not easy to be a mom. Ever. And that's perfectly 100% fine. I just want to get it out there so that other moms can know that they are not alone.

 

Speaking of being a mom and it being harder than it looks, my daughter isn't sleeping so well so I'd better go see what's going on. That's what mommies are for... :)

Making Friends as a Mommy

It's hard to make friends as an adult.

It's even harder to make friends after becoming a mom.

Don't get me wrong. I do have awesome friends. I have a few who I know I can talk to about anything no matter how depressing or strange it may be, who I know would drop everything to drive to where I am if I were in a crisis, and I can trust them completely. These are my dearest friends, my best friends, my soul sisters. I have been at my best and at my worst around them. They mean the world to me and I don't think I would be the same without them in my life. However, there are many many miles between us and that is very hard for me at times. I miss them.

I have a couple good friends here where I live but since becoming a mommy, these relationships have changed. Our schedules are different. Our commitments are different. We still have fun together when we do hang out. But I need more. I think that's why it's hard to make friends as a mom.

My needs and wants regarding friendships have changed since becoming a mom. I love the friends I have but I need friends who have young kids and toddlers, who are completely okay with a toddler wanting my attention while we're trying to talk, who aren't grossed out by spit-up (yes, my daughter still spits up at 14.5 months old) or poopy diapers, who can truly relate to the sleep-deprivation and fatigue that comes with being a mommy. This is not to say that mommyhood doesn't rock (because it does... believe me it does!) but it is not easy. It's fulfilling, wonderful, amazing, life-changing, earth-shattering awesomeness, but it can be pretty challenging at the same time. It's hard to really understand this before you become a mom. I thought I understood but I now know that I didn't. I need some friends who have experienced what I have so far and who can relate as mommyhood continues to challenge me in ways I never realized while also being able to laugh with me about it. Some people may not need this but I know that I do.

Back to the point of this entry... I realized I needed some more friends (notice that I said more since I still want to keep the friends that I already have as well). At first my husband didn't see why i needed this but he supports me 100%. So far I have noticed that making friends as a mommy is tougher than it looks from the outside. This is confusing for me because I was always so good at making friends as a kid. I guess the school environment made this easier. But now I work 40 hours a week, which limits things a little. In August/Sept, I joined MOPS and a couple other local mommy meetup groups in order to give myself a hand. It's been slow going. I've been some great ladies but I haven't been able to make as many meetups as I would like because of my work schedule. I'm trying, I really am - MOPS meetings twice a month, a play date here, a lunch there. I also feel a little distracted when at these meetups. I'm still pretty foggy from not sleeping as much as a needed for so many months. I hope I'm giving these ladies the chance to get to know the real me so that we can make some lasting friendships.

I'm also attempting to cultivate some friendships with moms that I already know and to make sure that I am maintaining those valuable friendships I mentioned earlier. By asking a coworker to go for stroller runs with our young daughters. Or by going to lunch with a mommy friend who I haven't been able to see or talk to as much lately due to recent major life changes. Or by keeping my dearest friends up-to-date on my life and spending quality time with them when they visit.

Only time will tell. Regardless, I know I will always have a few amazing friends, my wonderful hubby, and the best daughter in the world. For this, I am eternally grateful.

Motherhood & Fitness

It's hard to stay fit while being a mommy.

Especially when you're a mommy to a toddler who wants to play and skip and crawl rather than sit still.

Or when you're a mommy who is sleep-deprived (aren't we all?) and seems to feel tired more often than not.

Or when you're a mommy who works late most nights during the week (like midnight to 2am late) and it's not always an option to wake up early so that you can get it done before anyone in the house wakes up.

There are MANY ways we as mommies find it difficult, challenging, sometimes almost impossible (note the "almost" - I have a hard time believing that anything is completely and utterly impossible) to squeeze in that workout. But it's important that we MAKE time. Our bodies will thank us because we will be healthier. Our family members, husbands, kids, parents, will thank us because we will be happier. Trust me, being healthy and fit makes us better people, and especially better parents.

I work out at least 5 times a week. How do I do this?

I do a couple of (what I consider) EASY things.

1. At the beginning of the week (or even the end of the previous week), I look at my entire schedule for the upcoming days, along with my husband's schedule and any appointments that any of us (me, him, or our daughter) have. I cross out any times during the week that are unavailable. I pencil in my workouts wherever they can be squeezed into our busy life. Hubby and I work opposite shifts so sometimes it's hard but on the days where we don't see each other, I either workout with Alexa (i.e. stroller runs or walks usually, sometimes while she plays in the same room although often these workouts get cut short because she becomes antsy or clingy) or during her naptime. She goes to daycare twice a week so I might drop her off a smidge early so that I can fit in a run sans stroller before I head to work myself for the remainder of the day.
2. I talk to my husband and make SURE that all of my workouts can happen. He doesn't tell me I can or cannot do something but he needs to agree that those are the best times for our family. If I need to be available because he's busy, we figure out another plan together. He supports me in my journey to stay fit and healthy before AND now after having our child. I understand that if you're by yourself or do not of the support you need, this will be difficult.
3. I'm flexible if necessary. I modify as needed but I still try to do the workouts, whether they are on different days or just different workouts because a certain one just didn't work out (i.e. I oversleep and miss my yoga class so instead I go for a run after dropping my daughter off at daycare).
4. REPEAT. No matter what. If I'm on vacation, I still workout. If we're busier than usual, I still try to squeeze in something. Even if it's not as long or as intense as usual, it still keeps me in my routine and makes me feel accomplished. I always have a backup plan just in case it's too cold or rainy or windy or snowy for a stroller run.

My stroller runs are my favorite part of my workout schedule. I love running by myself but I also enjoy taking my daughter along for the ride. I ran my 5th half marathon at 25 weeks pregnant so I feel like I want her there by my side. I think she enjoys the fun rides as well :). A couple times a month I will invite a fellow parents to join us for a run so then it's me, a friend, and our 2 kiddos in strollers. It's nice to get the chance to workout AND talk about things that matter - like spit-up, changing diapers, and our adorable kiddos. We try to talk about other things but it does seem that the conversations generally end up more focused on our lives as parents and that's okay. We all need to know that someone else GETS our lives and our experiences.

I know I will have to modify the way I make time for my workouts as she gets older, and my hope is that someday she will ask to join me. Maybe for a minute. Maybe for 5, 10, 20. Who knows. But I will gladly continue to be a positive fitness role model as long as I can so that we have the opportunity to be a healthy family together.

How are YOU going to make time for health and fitness into your busy life?

I am MANY things.

I'm not 100% sure what I want to do with this blog. But I think it will be interesting to have, to share with others.

I'm not sure how often I will write in it or what I will write about, or if it will even be interesting to anyone but me. That's okay. I honestly don't care if anyone reads this. If they do, I do hope they enjoy it or find something they can relate to in some way, shape, or form.

I am many things.

I am female.

I am 28 years old. I was born in July.

I am a lover of healthy foods, art, the color pink, wine, get-togethers with friends, and a good romantic comedy... all-at-once or separately.

I am a survivor of a dysfunctional family, both in my childhood and the present. I lost my father to an addiction and the behaviors that come along with it. I love my mother but I function a lot better with some distance between us. I would like to be closer (in distance) to my sisters though.

I am a therapist and I do what I do because I enjoy helping others. I only wish I had less student loans and made a little more money.

I am a runner. I have participated in many 5ks, 7 half marathons (1 during pregnancy and 2 postpartum), 1 marathon, and several other distance races. Running is my therapy.

I am a wife of 3 years (together for 8 years last week!) and a mom of a wonderful 14 month old. I love my husband and child with all my heart and cannot imagine my life without them.