"Friends are like bras: close to the heart and there for support."

Day 10 of the Capture the Grief project: SUPPORT  

Carly asks: "Have you felt supported in your grief journey? If so, where did that support come from. Was it from who you expected? Were you surprised by the support or lack of support you received. How would you suggest people could support those grieving, better? If you feel disappointed that your loved ones are not supporting you in the way you need, have a think about why that is."

I have felt extremely supported during my grief journey. More than I think I ever thought possible. I touched on this a little in my RESOURCES post, as I received a lot of support from my January angels group. But it came from more than just them. My primary support through all of this has been my husband. He may not talk much about the loss but he has allowed me to grieve my own way and realizes that it is a process that just takes time. In additions to my husband, I've received support from friends, family (aunts, uncles, my sisters, etc), and coworkers in various ways. Some examples are included below.

After sharing my first blog about the miscarriage, I received private messages and texts from lots of people (old friends, good friends, family, friends from both my local and online moms groups) for many days/weeks. Many shared their own stories of loss. It was hard for me to know that so many had experienced this heartache but it was healing too. I knew I was not alone. I was not a freak. I didn't do anything wrong to cause this. Their stories were like hugs from the distance, wrapping me up in hope and love. Sometimes these stories came from women who I didn't know well but it created a bond between us. I knew I could message any one of these women if I needed to do so - and I did just that. 

People have been supportive in other ways as well. One of my best friends came to visit the weekend of the D&C in order to physically be there for me and my other best friend checked on me pretty consistently for weeks. A very close friends here in Indy actually brought me to my D&C and she made that experience so much less traumatizing than it would have been  without her there. Sadly, she's been through it before so she kept me informed about what would happen while also distracting me and making me laugh. I know I can text her anytime I need some advice or just a kind word or virtual hug. Another friend here in Indy brought a movie and wine when I texted her the first night that I was alone after the surgery. I was lonely and sad and she made me feel better just by being there. Playdates with other moms and their kids have been very helpful as it has helped me appreciate all our healthy growing kids and the fun that they can have. :)

I don't think I've felt disappointed in loved ones not supporting me. Sometimes it feels that people forget that I'm still grieving and that sometimes my brain doesn't work as well as it used to yet but I know it's not their fault and maybe it's not even true that they forget (could just be my perception). It's not fair to assume they think about my grief as much as I do, or that they should be as impacted by it... because they're not. It's not in their hearts every day. And I wouldn't want it to be. I can't and don't want to be the center of the universe. I tend to tell others what I need in order to continue to heal so maybe that's why no one has outrightly upset me. There are times when I worry that my blog posts may annoy others or cause someone to feel uncomfortable but I haven't received any negative comments so I'm assuming people either don't mind or just keep on scrolling! My heart hurts for those who have had heartless or rude things said to them about this very hard topic. It's difficult enough to cope with without hurtful statements. 

My most common recommendation to those who have experienced this type of loss is that others cannot know what you need if you don't tell them. Miscarriage is NOT a dirty word and, just like ANY other loss, you have the right to be supported and to ask for support.