I've said this time and time again. I won't ever be the same person as I was before the miscarriage. I am a therapist and yet I did not truly understand what it's like to have a miscarriage and to grieve afterward. I knew it was a very very hard life experience, and I knew the person would be grieving... but I compared it, in my mind, to other grief situations. No other loss compares to the loss of a child, even those lost in the womb. I may not have gotten to meet Angel baby... but I loved her from the second those 2 pink lines appeared on the stick. She grew inside of me. My body nurtured her for around 9 weeks and continued to hold on for another 2 weeks until that day when I learned that she had died. My body was not ready to let go so it didn't. Maybe it wasn't actually my body that wasn't ready to let go, but my heart instead. At first I was angry that I had went on 2 weeks believing my baby was alive when she wasn't... but now I've accepted it. I got to spend more time with baby this way. The photo I chose for today represents how I was feeling at around the 8.5 weeks... how we were both feeling. Excited and happy. I didn't realize that this photo would probably be one of the last pictures taken while baby was alive and still had a heart beat. I don't know for sure and that's OK. I will forever hold onto this as fact, although it may not be the case. It doesn't matter. Because I didn't know yet that baby was not going to make it, we were able to capture ourselves in print before "there's no heartbeat" entered my reality a couple weeks later. Before those words became apart of my personal life experience, I understood miscarriage the best I could. I could empathize with mothers losing their babies, as I knew it would be a heartbreaking experience. I've had my heart broken before. I knew what that felt like and I would never wish it on anyone. But I was still blissfully unaware of the true magnitude of this type of broken heart. It's only been around 15 weeks since I officially lost angel baby. I'm still grieving so it's really hard to think about the ME before this experience, what I was like... because I was just soooooooooo different than I am now. It's almost unexplainable... I'm hoping one day it won't seem like my life is divided into 2 sections, before miscarriage and after miscarriage, but for now that's what it feels like. I do know one thing for sure. Although this photo (and the others that were taken that day) is still hard for me to see because it reminds me that the future doesn't look like I had envisioned it at that time, I am so thankful that it was taken. It brings me hope.
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