I am still a day behind on this. Yesterday Carly asked, "Where are you in your grief journey?" Oh boy, this one is something I've considered a lot. I'm constantly re-examining how I'm doing and where I need to be going in order to be coping with this loss in the healthiest way possible. Tomorrow is 4 months from that dreadful day what I heard the words I will never forget. "I'm sorry, I am not finding a heartbeat." The next day, I had the D&C. My emotions have fluctuated since then, which I believe to be a pretty normal thing considering the weight of this type of loss. There are many days I feel stuck. Stuck between the grief of my lost angel and the hope for my rainbow after the storm. Sometimes I feel angry that this has happened to me, that my angel baby could not be a part of my family right now, that I don't get what I want just yet and somehow others do. I cope with this by talking to others who understand, and by reminding myself that we ALL struggle. We all have things we want and cannot have, and one day we understand the path that we had to take to get where we needed to be. The light at the end of the tunnel just seems so far away. I wanted it so much and it was taken away from me so quickly, without any warning, without my consent. I still feel robbed! But at the end of the day, after I've stomped my feet because it's just NOT fair, I hold onto the hope that there will be a positive outcome in all of this. I believe that that remaining hopeful is the reason that I have started to heal. Healing is HARD. It takes work and effort and lots of self-care. Lots and lots of self-care. Grief and healing can certainly co-exist. They are both continuous ever-changing processes, and will eb and flow in intensity over a lifetime.
And now, back to my coffee :-).
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