Reading Through the Fog of Grief

Day 6 of the Capture the Grief project: BOOKS

What books have helped me during this time of grief? Not many. And I say that because I haven't really read any books about grief. Nor have I been able to actually finish a single non-grief book since the miscarriage. I'm still having trouble focusing. Still having trouble *breathing* at times. So books are hard. I would love to say I read books often. I love to read. The old me would have read any book that may have a chance at helping me push through this grief. For some reason the new me, the changed me, the never ever the same me, the post-miscarriage me hasn't been able to read much of anything.

Wait, I lied. I've read things. Mostly blog articles that relate to how I'm feeling or my personal healing process. I feel like I grieve a lot differently than most people I know or have met. I'm an open book. I talk about everything. I release my feelings and emotions and thoughts by talking about them. (Okay, sometimes I just sit and stare into nothingness... and I cry and cry some more while drinking wine and eating ice cream. And that works too.) I heal by knowing that sharing MY experience. And help others not feel so alone. Because miscarriage and pregnancy loss are excruciatingly lonely experiences, even when everyone knows what happened and can ask you how you're doing... so I can't even imagine what it's like for those who are quiet about it, those who suffer in silence. 

Inspired by this prompt, I decided to download some books on my kindle. Some I'm borrowing, and others I bought. As long as they touch me in some way, I will read them. I want to read them.

Tonight I spent some time reading to linger on hot coals by Stephanie Cole and it was very good. I was looking for non-religious readings. It's not that I don't believe in God (I do) but I wanted something a little more tangible, a little more in the here and now, something I can focus on for this world... This book is a collection of poems and writings penned by grieving mothers. Some are angry, some are thoughtful, some are sad. But they are real, and almost Shakespeare-like. Maybe not Shakespeare but I think you'll get my drift if you read them. Not your typical poetry. After that, I started An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken. I'm not very far into it but her words are strong and honest, even in the beginning when describing why she wrote the book...

"I want a book that acknowledges that life goes on but that death goes on, too, that a person who is dead is a long, long story. You move on from it, but the death will never disappear from view. Your friends may say, Time heals all wounds. No, it doesn't, but eventually you’ll feel better. You’ll be yourself again. Your child will still be dead. The frivolous parts of your personality, stubborner than you’d imagined, will grow up through the cracks in your soul."

And Sunshine After the Storm by Alexa Bigwarfe welcomes me even in the first chapter of the book. Makes me feel welcome, at home, a book that I can feel comfortable (and maybe cry some good tears) while reading.

"I’ve listened to mother after mother talk about how they felt like they were not allowed to grieve their early pregnancy loss. And if they were grieving, they felt that those around them expected them to move on quickly. Or worse, they never told anyone about their loss because they had already been made to feel that at that time frame, the baby did not matter."

As I said before, this is the main reason I share my story. So now I feel compelled to continue reading hers.