"Who are you now in this present moment? What are you feeling? Have you been irrevocably changed by the death of your children? How are you different now? Do you love anything about the new you? What do you want to become?"
It's extremely hard for me to answer these questions right now, so I may or may not respond to everything in the way that maybe I could if more time had passed. I can tell you what I'm feeling though... wouldn't you expect a counselor to be able to do that? I'm feeling torn. Torn between grieving a lost child and the longing for a rainbow baby. Torn between still experiencing that broken heart and the hope for the future. It's really hard to have both of these feelings at the same time. No matter how I look at it, I feel like I'm choosing one baby's life over the other. I can't have both. I can't have the baby I'm trying for if I were still pregnant with angel baby as I often wish I were. And what if that rainbow baby is the baby that's meant for my life? Then that makes me feel like the baby who was in my womb for 11 weeks was just a step towards the rainbow baby, that I'm brushing her off like she doesn't matter. Either way, it feels yucky to hope for one over the other. I've had countless mommas tell me that they felt the way I do until the moment they laid eyes on their rainbow baby, and then suddenly it all made sense. Everything that happened before led them to that baby, even the miscarriage and the pain that it caused. I hope that one day this will all make sense. But that doesn't make this experience of being torn between 2 loves, 2 babies (lost and future) any easier. It's a struggle and makes my heart hurt.
To answer the rest of the prompt... I do feel that I have been irrevocably changed after the loss of angel baby. My friend posted something that resonated with me: "A broken heart – whether your own or otherwise – will change you forever. It will change the fabric of your being and will turn you into an entirely different person." Yes. Yes, it does. Like I said, I really don't know who that person is yet but I'm definitely changed. I'm still getting to know the new me, to understand how she processes things, to learn how she copes... I know that I am more fearful, unsure, and weary right now. Will another miscarriage happen when I do get pregnant? How will I deal with a second miscarriage if that does happen? And if I don't miscarry, will I be anxious my entire pregnancy? Will I allow myself to bond with the baby in utero like I remember bonding with Alexa, or will I be too afraid? There are these uncertainties that I cannot answer right now. The loss of angel baby has also made me appreciate my daughter... more than ever. My heart aches with the realization that some women go through this before they've even had a living child. I just can't imagine. My daughter is my light. She is my drive to keep moving forward, to keep working on myself, and to stay strong and as positive as possible (even though sometimes I feel like I'm failing at all three...). She reminds me that I am loved and that I can still love with all of my heart.
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